I broke up with someone, for the first and only time, at age sixteen. It’s a weird story.
What you should know about the 2000-somethings is that we weren’t using cell phones. MSN, sure. Landlines, definitely. Most of the time, flirting was face-to-face, awkward, and…kinda gross.
Ninth grade found me twice weekly at a school library table learning Spanish. I was joined by another student, Jamie (not her real name).
This was a new experience for me, a self-led language course, with a study pal in an I-Heart-Nerds graphic tee. We often swapped discmans to share new music. Unfortunately, our tranquil study block would not last.
Let’s Amend The Classic Story
One such day, conjugating verbs with ‘Jenny Was A Friend Of Mine‘ in my ears, a rude creature appeared. Approaching strangers in a library involves a careful balance of meek apology and bold presumption. ‘Can I sit?,’ he said. ‘I won’t bother you,’ he said.
CJ (not his real name) wore a leather jacket and cherry-red ball cap. As towering teen males do, he smelled of something aggressively chemical. I assumed he’d be on his way after a bumbling sojourn.
Creature appearances, however, became commonplace.
A very formal introduction was followed by innane questions, oversharing, and self-deprecating comments. I endured his presence with mounting annoyance.
Was Jamie annoyed? If so, her amiable exterior hid it completely. I tried to shun distractions and focus on my work, but my manners necessitated some response and a monosyllabic one failed to discourage these invasions. I longed to reclaim our Español and alt-rock oasis.
Change Your Mind
When CJ asked me out, I said: ‘no thanks’. He asked again – multiple times, to my bafflement – before Jamie asked me why I didn’t agree to go out.
Those words, ‘Why don’t you go out with him?’, knocked me out of orbit! I observed the glimmering curiousity in her eyes and the encouragement in her voice.
The answer to her question eluded me.
Why agree to a coffee date when I didn’t even drink coffee? Coffee meant the experience would have a firm end, where lukewarm beverage met waxy cup. Therefore, after enduring a rather rainy walk with CJ, I hoped to put the bitter taste behind me.
As it turned out, the dating thing could quickly get away from you! First, random folks approached at school to ask, ‘Hey, you going out with CJ?’ Before I knew it, creature sightings were frequent, in hallways, outside classrooms, at the school doors. He asked to hold my hand and I was too overwhelmed to say anything but, ‘uh…okay’.
I’m Not Okay
The hand-holding seamlessly segued into cheek-pecking goodbye. Then there were evening phone calls in which he asked about my music and promised to burn an epic mix-cd for me.
Figuring I would give the dating thing a fair shot, a movie night ensued. I got to watch an obscure film, was gifted a mix-cd full of hardrock, and was kissed. (Record scratch.) Kissing? People for real do this?
So, adequate film and cd aside, I was going to have to dump this guy. But there was no way to do so kindly when the interest was so one-sided. Finally, I resolved to do the humane thing.
What TV re-runs and teen magazines had taught me, I compiled into a ‘we’re better as friends’ script. He choked on his feelings manfully and I put down the phone with mixed irritation and relief. Thus, the ‘dating Robyn the Weird’ experience had ended.
That’s Life With Me
Dating wasn’t for me. (Does it count as a lesson learned if I already knew that?) The experiment concluded the day after my break-up call.
An acquaintance, Becca (name changed), approached me in the school hallway. Her message had my hackles up immediately. CJ had been crying to his classmates about our breakup. He’d sent Becca to talk to me.
Suddenly, I saw events in a new light. The self-deprecation, the persistence, and the emotional display to random classmates…
Becca faltered mid-sentence at my betrayed glare. I was disappointed in her, in CJ, and in myself. And I was done with it all.
The reddest of all flags was the fact that I did not want this person around. Even as the soporific acceptance of my peers normalized the situation, I felt in my bones that it was wrong.
Another warning sign was that my signals were being ignored. Disinterest, lack of enthusiasm. Did you know that ‘no is a full sentence’? I don’t think it was back then, though. Being socialized to be “nice” leaves young women particularly vulnerable, especially when fragile teen egos hang in the balance.
Conclusion
An independent teen, I had been growing apart from my close friends. I made out-of-character choices because I felt unstable. I feel grateful to this day that one mildly uncomfortable experience reaffirmed my resolve to be strong, authentic, weird.
Maybe everyone is awkward at dating. Dating can sometimes be weird, even if two people really like each other. What’s really weird is dating someone you don’t like (or dating someone who doesn’t like you). Ultimately, you can choose to date however works for you, or not at all.
So that was the story of my first break-up! Want to hear about my first ever date?
I was 14 and was invited over the phone. I felt too uncomfortable to say no and I made my brother and sister join me. We met the kid by the beach. (Not the pebbly beach, the one covered in sunbaked seaweed.) Pretty sure I blanked out the whole thing from the awkwardness of it all.
Keep being weird, safe, happy, and empowered out there!
Voice of Reason 